Mandy-isms

Sometimes I can't even stand to be around myself.

2008-11-12T10:33:00.003-05:00

I'm very moody right now, emotional to the point of unreasonable, and I know that not all this angst can be blamed on the pregnancy. To be fair, a good deal is hormones in overdrive but there is something else that is driving me to be such a bitch.

Two of my close friends have had babies in the last month. I am so excited for them and yet not for some stupid ass reason. I'm pretty sure I've got a bad case of that green-eyed monster. They're all caught up in the awesomeness/shittiness that is parenting a newborn: the sleepless nights, nursing on demand, and snuggling a little person on your chest in the wee hours of the morning. I think I'm feeling left out, stupid as that sounds. Let's face it - who really has time to care about my early pregnancy woes when you are knee deep in spitup and newborn poo? No one and I completely understand that.

We had hoped to already have another baby by this point in our lives. Now that I'm pregnant I'm feeling distanced from damn near everyone and everything. Even Reeve, which totally qualifies me for mother of the year, I know. It is NOT his fault, and its nothing that my friends or family have done to cause this asinine feeling of mine. I think in a lot of ways, I'm still waiting on the other shoe to drop, for something to happen to this pregnancy. It's hard to be happy and normal when I'm so scared that today will be the day this will all end...

Ok, enough with the depressing shit. I promise that bitchy chick is gone for the remainder of this post.

***

In other news, Sarah Palin actually thinks she can run for president in 2012! Does that not make you want to laugh your ass off? You think she'll have found the country of Africa on a map by then??? MWAH! Please Sarah, on behalf of all Democrats in the US, I BEG you to run in 2012...

And what is up with all the bashing of birth control all over the internet? As if the Pill hasn't been around for decades? Guess what? It prevented a fertilized embryo from implanting in the 1960's and not much has changed since then. Why oh why do a bunch of mostly white men in our nation's capital think that it is any of their concern what happens to my eggs every month? For that matter, why do they care who I sleep with, what gender they are, what position we use (look it up - in SC it is illegal to use anything other than missionary) and what happens during my menstrual cycle??? Just stop for a moment, leave YOUR god out of this, and ask yourself this question: If men could get pregnant would we still be having all this fuss about abortion? That's what I thought...

Random Thoughts - Nov 6th

2008-11-06T11:54:00.005-05:00

I'm so glad the election is over. Yesterday was a great day to be an American. I can't wait to see how President-elect Obama is going to bring this country back to a place we can all be proud to be citizens.

***

I'm still pregnant and still obsessing over every twinge and pain in my body. I think that might end about 9 months from now after I've had the kid... Still keeping everything crossable on my body, crossed.

***

I've been playing Kingdom Hearts on our PS3 lately and I've come to the conclusion that the people who thought up this game had to be on drugs. Watching Sora, Donald and Goofy beat up on Disney villains in an RPG is just weird. Fun as hell, but weird nonetheless.

***

Yesterday I gave a speech to a group of non-techies about managing electronic documents in the 21st century legal landscape and I think it went pretty well. I had a few newbie questions and was reminded that not everyone on the planet thinks MD5 hash values for documents when the word "hash" is used...

Also, damn I have a cute kid

2008-11-03T10:30:00.004-05:00

Reeve is obsessed with WALL-E and so of course he had to be WALL-E for Halloween. Well, you can't find a WALL-E costume anywhere for under $100 so I decided to get brave and make one. It turned out awesome, imho, but I will NEVER, EVER, EVER attempt to make a costume again.

Either way, he gets the cutest robot kid with glasses award.

Watch out for the crazy pregnant lady, son

2008-11-03T09:48:00.004-05:00

I'm really nervous right now. As far as it stands, I AM PREGNANT!!!!! My beta HCG test came back with good results on Friday. It only had to double, but it in fact tripled so I was very happy to hear that. I've got to go in 2 weeks for an ultrasound to make sure that everything is developing properly and in the correct place. This 2 week wait is going to kill me, or at least make me even more insane than I already am. I'm having to resist the urge to POAS every time I go to the restroom. Thankfully there are no more in the house and Mike refuses to let me buy more. I am obsessing about things that I have absolutely no control over, and those who know me best know that when I obsess I do it in a BIG way.

Every little twinge and cramp I feel makes me immediately think that I am having a miscarriage. Every time my ovaries hurt (which is a normal occurrence) I begin preparing myself for the fact that this pregnancy may be ectopic or something equally heinous. I go to the bathroom every few hours and anxiously peer into the bowl to make sure there is no blood or even the lightest stain on the paper.

I hate being so anxious about everything. I wish so much that I could be happy and excitedly pregnant, like I was with Nugget. When we found out we were pregnant with him, at no point did I ever stop and thing that anything might go wrong. I just assumed the pregnancy would be fine and he would be perfect. Which, it was and he is.. for the record.

The last year of reading books about fertility has left me so informed I'm over-informed. I know WAY more about how more than 1 in 5 pregnancies end in the first 12 weeks, and the symptoms of every fertility malady known to mankind. I HATE the internet because I have instant access at my fingertips to tens of thousands of web pages, articles and personal stories about "when pregnant went wrong..." One of my best friends is a walking cautionary tale on high risk pregnancies.

I just want to be a "normal" pregnant chick. I want to be happy, excited and KNOW that everything is going to be alright. I don't know what is wrong with me and why I can't feel that way again. Maybe it is all the worrying that comes with being a mom, all rolled up with my own obsessive tendencies. Either way, its going to be an interesting couple of weeks. I'll keep you posted.

Scared

2008-10-29T09:34:00.004-04:00

This is not going to be the prettiest post on the planet, but I'm not in a pretty place right now.

Yesterday was so awesome. I've been feeling for the past few days like perhaps we may be pregnant this cycle so I decided to take a test yesterday morning. And sure enough, there was a very faint pink line telling me I am pregnant. Since it was so faint, I was trying hard not to get too worked up. I decided to try another test later that morning and so I rushed over to the pharmacy and bought one of those fancy digital tests. Let me tell you how fun it is to take a pregnancy test in the bathroom at work... notsomuch. Low and behold, the read out on this one was a clear "Pregnant" and I was at that point so excited I couldn't stop myself from taking a picture and texting it to 10 -50 of my closest friends. Nearly everyone I know has some idea of our attempts to get pregnant and I know that they were as excited to see that picture as I was to send.

Fast forward to this morning. I wake up after not feeling well (tired and mildly crampy) to find that I'm spotting just a tiny bit. I immediately decide to take every test I have in the house so I take 4 tests all at once. And guess what? I get 2 POSITIVE and 2 NEGATIVE. From the same cup of pee!!! So by now I'm freaking out EVEN more. The 2 that were positive are the 'older' analog tests where a line or + sign appears when you are pregnant. There is clearly a line and a + sign on each of those tests. The 2 negative tests are both digital and there is no line, oh hell no, it's a big fat NOT PREGNANT screaming in my face and fanning the waves of hatred that I have for my reproductive organs. And I continue to mildly cramp and spot.

At this point, I don't know what the fuck to think and I am so scared, angry, numb and distraught all at the same time. I'm sitting here in my chair at work wishing that I was laying in bed with the covers over my head. I feel like I'm going to throw up and I can't even be sure that has anything to do with hormone levels.

Stupid me, decided to tell people yesterday and now I am facing the prospect of having to tell them all that I am not pregnant. It's not like I'm crazy - I have 4 fucking tests that say the same thing. But those other 2... and this spotting.

I just don't know. All I know is that I can't think about anything other than the fact that I'm afraid this baby is slowly exiting my body and leaving me alone to face the grief. Again.

Quick Notes

2008-10-22T14:36:00.002-04:00

I have zero motivation at the moment to do much of anything. This includes work, my moms group, my friends, housework (although to be fair I think housework = evil and avoid it at all costs) or pretty much anything else. The problem is that I NEED to be motivated, especially at work. We've been hit pretty hard with slowdown and the inevitable layoffs have already begun to occur. since I'm still the primary breadwinner I don't have the luxury of fucking this up. I think a lot of the blame for this can been moved squarely to my now 6 months of caffeine-free living. G-D I miss caffeine.

***

There's an article on CNN.com today about people having Obama signs stolen out of their yards. Well no shit, sugar. I coulda told you that months ago when our first one was stolen right out of our front yard. Some people have no fucking class. I mostly call them republicans (though to be fair they'd probably say the same about me.)

***

This morning when I dropped him off at preschool, Nugget took the opportunity to show me what a wonderful writer he is by drawing a huge GO on the chalkboard. I immediately had to quell the urge to teach him to spell COCKS right behind it. I can just imagine him coming home from school with all his worksheets proudly proclaiming COCK or COCKS in red Crayola.

Happy times!

2008-10-21T18:57:00.004-04:00

My friend Beckie had her baby this morning. He's an adorable ball of face, cheesy joints and pointy head. Looking at him makes my ovaries hurt. And not in the way they've been hurting over the last few months. :)

If we don't conceive this month, I think I'm going to step back a bit and take a break. It gets to be exhausting trying to track all the fertility signs, timing and dealing with the inevitable letdown when we don't succeed. I'm getting to the point where I can't remember why I want to have another baby so badly in the first place.

We spent the weekend on Edisto Island and it was simultaneously good times and bad times. It was wonderful to get away from the hectic life up here and just relax for a few days. My parents, brother and his fiancee' were with us and they had never been to the island before. If you've never had the chance to see the sea islands off the coast of SC you don't know what you are missing. Not all beaches in SC are like Myrtle, scout's honor.

But spending time with my family, especially for any extended amount of time, reminds me of how different I've become from the rest of them.

A few examples:

They like to watch the history channel and Lifetime. I like to watch Sci-fi or maybe read a book instead.
They like driving around for hours whereas I have a 3.5 year old and don't ever wish to spend one second more in the car than I have to.
They think McCain and Palin actually make sense for this country and I think Obama and Biden are the second coming of JFK and FDR.

One thing I did learn from this trip. I cannot ever, ever discuss politics or morals or religion with my family. It's better for us all if we just don't discuss those types of things. My dad and I are pretty alike in our way of thinking and mannerisms but he and I couldn't be more different in our social leanings. This is hard for me, I'm the kind of person who wants people to agree with me and it pisses me off that I can't convert his line of thinking. I just have to accept that I may never make him agree with me, but I can still love him even if I think his love of Palin is batshit crazy.

All in all we managed to have a happy weekend away and it's turning out to be a good week. I'm patching things up with my friends, my husband and myself. I probably just jinxed myself and the world will end tomorrow but at least I've got a few good days out of it so far...

Brooding

2008-10-15T10:46:00.003-04:00

I've been in one of my moods for the last few days. It usually starts with something completely innocuous and before I know it I'm in full-on brood territory. Today is no exception. I'm looking for answers to several questions and unfortunately these are answers no one can provide.

I'm questioning a lot of my friendships at the moment. In high school it was easy to know who my friends were. They were the people who would sit next to me at lunch, give me copies of notes from classes I missed, and help me figure out how to talk to a boy I was crushing on hardcore. Once I left my small town for college, our friendships ended and we drifted apart and it was no big deal. In college my friends were my roommates, sorority sisters, and people in my classes. For the vast majority of these people, once college was over and "real life" began, we went our separate ways. I've still got a few of these people that are very dear to me and we keep in close contact, but for the most part my college friendships ended with graduation.

But what about adult friendships? What are the rules of being friends when you are an adult? Since I've been working at the same law firm for the last 6 years I've made pretty good friends with several people I work with. There are a very few though, that I think the friendship would continue were I to leave the firm. These are people who I have lunch with on occasion and we talk on the phone every couple of weeks. These are not the people who I think I could call on in an emergency or if I needed advice about a serious life issue. There is one person who qualifies for that role, but even we have drifted apart in recent months. I assume this is part of the natural state of adult friendships. I don't know. What happens when an adult friendship ends?

I know this: I'm lucky to have the friends I have, I'm lucky to have a husband who loves me and wonderful family. Friends will come and go, but my family will always be a part of my life.

Random Thoughts

2008-10-10T18:29:00.002-04:00

Nugget was lying on our bed the other day talking about the baby in Miss Beckie's belly. He was asking a ton of questions about babies, how they are born, etc.. After going through a long explanation about how he once was a baby in Mommy's belly he asked how he got out. Uh. "The doctor cut a line in Mommy's belly and pulled you out" was the only reply I could think of that would make sense to a 3.5 year old. He leaned over me with a very serious look on his face and said "With a pizza cutter?"

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My job is forcing me to move offices this weekend. I've been at the firm for 6 years and during that time I've occupied 7 spaces in 2 cities. I have no issue moving, it's just the drama that surrounds the move. I'm a pack rat, and I've got tons of shit in my office. Being the only IT person in this office I've accumulated a lot of junk. I know I should throw most of it out, or recycle it, but I'm just too lazy. Luckily, I've got movers coming to move me so I guess I'll sort it all out while they are here. I get a kick out of ordering around sweaty men in uniform.

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Beck has still not had her baby. We've attempted to smoke him out with Don Pablo's goodness and still no baby boy. After all the trouble this boy has given his mother he better be on the short list for beatification.

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I'm really sick of Sarah Palin. I'd like to send her a big piece of shut-the-fuck-up with a side of you're-a-bimbo-and-he-only-picked-you-because-you-have-a-vagina.

Have a great weekend!

Hurting and Happy - Value sized

2008-10-06T17:44:00.003-04:00

I'm hurting again. It's a damn nagging pain that I can't seem to escape and the doctors can't seem to explain. It's getting to the point that I'm being sapped of my will to get out of bed in the mornings and that is NOT a good thing. I'm practically immune to that alarm clock as it is. I'm headed back to the doctor on Wednesday. Keep your fingers crossed that they actually figure out what the hell is wrong with me. If not, I'm calling Dr House.

I'm worried about my friend Patti who is dealing with uterine cancer and I think this coloring my views on health and healthcare in general. I am getting very tired of the runaround of insurance claims, pre-approvals, appointments that take hours upon hours and never understanding what my insurance has paid and why. Patti has no insurance, and is dealing with trying to treat cancer. Can you imagine what her bills will be like? I guess there is no price on keeping oneself alive, but this is yet another example of why we need better fucking healthcare in this country.

One of my best friends had her second child today. I am simultaneously happy for her and selfishly bitchy for me. Let's go with happy for her at the moment. Welcome to the world Logan Alexander Baun! Happy Birthday.

Scorecard on preggo friends: 2 delivered beautiful, healthy babies
1 due any day now (Keeping my fingers crossed Beck)
1 due on Thanksgiving
1 due in March

... and me - Miss Impregnable 2008!

And another one bites the dust

2008-09-28T23:43:00.003-04:00

So here's another cycle come and gone and no little parasite inside me to show for all that effort.

I'm angry that this is happening. I keep looking for reasons and answers as to what I can change, how I can fix this, and some clue that it is normal for this to happen. I'm not sure if this is related to the issues I've been having with my ovaries or if it stems from something else.

I know several women who have had fertility issues in the past, and several still going through them. Its not like this is all that uncommon, but still it is different to hear others talk of the frustration than actually experience it yourself. I admire those women even more than ever.

Michael has been my rock today since my cycle started over last night. I've been your typical weepy female, all goo-ing over every baby I see and holding Nugget to my chest like he's 3 months instead of 3 years old.

If I can just avoid that damned stereotypical statement of "it'll happen when it's supposed to happen" or "don't get discouraged, it will happen eventually" I think I'll be ok. I'm just so fucking tired of those useless platitudes. Especially from people that don't know what the hell they are talking about. Every person's story is different. Every person feels differently about fate, God, choices... So just keep what I am sure are well meaning statements behind your teeth, please I beg you.

In other news: I rode a bike today for the first time in forever. My thighs hurt a little and the feeling of whizzing around the park on a beautiful fall day made me feel like a kid again. It was totally what I needed today. Bliss...

The Good, the Bad, the OMFG

2008-09-19T12:48:00.004-04:00

I have been a medical mystery for several months. It started as crampy feelings in my lower right abdominal area and our first thought was appendix. After running over to Doc-in-the-box I was told Nope, not appendix and sent home. That led me to my internist who said it was either an ulcer or possibly gallbladder disease. Gave me a script for Prilosec and sent me on my crampy way. This did not help, however and after many other fun medical tests include ultrasounds and about 10,000 needles I am still undiagnosed. My internist suggests it could be a OBGYN issue and sends me to see them. Here is where it gets fun.

We've been trying to have a baby for a while, although admittedly we *could* have tried harder. My cycles have been all messed up for months now, and it figure it is a combination of many factors: age, stress, and that fact that I've put on quite a few pounds in the last year or so. I've been upset about it, but never to the point where I think there is something HORRIBLY wrong with my girl parts...

So I head into the OB's office and she tells me it could be ovarian cysts which I have dealt with in the past. I go back for an ultrasound and low and behold there's one chillin' on my left (WTF?) ovary. It looks 99% normal except for a little spot on one of the edges that they don't know what it could be. So she tells me she's going to schedule me for a repeat U/S and have some blook work done to rule out ovarian cancer. Uh... what the fuck? Did she just say cancer?

So understandably I'm freaking the hell out. Even though I know that 95% of all cysts are begnin in nature, and even though I know that I've had these before - I am absolutely fucking freaking out. I did the stupidest thing possible yesterday, I googled ovarian cancer.

OH.MY.FUCKING.G-D.

This shit kills people, almost all of them that have it. So now I'm even more freaked out and curled up on my office floor in a little, fat ball. Why did I google? Why?

I'm a little better today, mostly because I think I've figured out that there's not much I can do but wait and hear back from the doctor's office. The shitty part is that that test is far from perfect (again - thanks google) and I'm not even sure I can trust the results when they do come in.

So all of you in Internet Land (all 3 of you that are reading this blog) please cross your fingers, toes, etc.. and pray to the deity or FSM of your choice that this thing is nothing and I will be ok.

Falling

2008-09-15T13:12:00.002-04:00

I love summer. I love the sticky, humid heat we have here in the Deep South. I even love the way it makes my clothes stick to me when I'm outside making me feel like I need to take 3 or more showers in a day.

Summer is ending here, although it isn't a product of the season as much as a product of the massive drought we are facing here in South Carolina. I've noticed a multitude of trees and shrubs in the area surrounding our neighborhood that have shriveled up and turned a horrible shade of reddish black. Our lawn is barely alive, and Mike has loved the fact that he hasn't had to mow the grass more than 10 times this summer. Leaves have started falling, much earlier than normal due to the fact that the trees are so parched they can't hold onto their leaves.

Nugget and I went on a walk yesterday afternoon. It was a nice afternoon, warm and sunny. We noticed the leaves falling around us as we walked and he had a ton of questions about why trees lose leaves, why they change color, when do they grow back? He is so curious all the time and it me me laugh and shake my head when he asks the same question for the 10,000th time.

It really amazes me how fast his little mind spins, and the wonderfully bold way he asserts himself. This child has no idea the meaning of the word hesitate and doesn't care to learn.

We're still waiting on his new pair of glasses. He looks so different without them. I remember last November when he was first diagnosed I was concerned that he would look odd in glasses. I was afraid people would make fun of him, or he would be labeled in some way. But they've become such a part of him and the only comment we ever hear from others is how cute he looks in glasses. My favorites are the little old coupon grandmas in line at the grocery store who ask me if his glasses are 'real.' As if I would go through the torture of having to deal with sticky fingerprints on lenses, $300 frames he'll outgrow in a year, and the never ending chorus of "Put your glasses on your face" all day long just so my child would look studious?!?

Here is some sans-glasses cuteness from yesterday afternoon:

9 to 5

2008-09-12T12:33:00.001-04:00

One of my favorite bloggers has posted a few entries recently about finding yourself and your dream in what you do for a living. I've found myself focusing on this subject quite a few times in the last few months. Probably because we're finally stable financially, and wanting to grow our family of 3 to a family of 4. The idea of change in the job department is staggeringly scary to me.

My job is a lot of things to me. An escape from the boredom of being at home all day, every day. A place where I get to try out new toys and software and constantly learn new things. Something I'm pretty damn good at, if I ask myself. I have the opportunity to travel a bit, meet interesting clients and learn the minute details of a whole lot shit I would never have cared about before. Ask me how carpet fibers are woven. (I dare you to ask me) After a 3 week trial on that subject I could pen a fucking thesis on weaves and texture of the average plush rug in your living room.

The problem lies in that I've been with the same law firm for 6 years now, and while I've never say I've learned all I can learn - it is getting a bit stale. I'm getting tired of the politics and drama surrounding the people that I work with. They are mostly lawyers after all, and are sometimes at the emotional maturity level of your average 3rd grader.

What I really crave is something more... just more. I want to be trusted more by my managers. I want to have more input into daily decisions and be able to venture out on a limb from time to time without it becoming a grand production involving a priest, a rabbi and my OBGYN.

I'm not planning on going anywhere right now (Note for anyone from my office who happens to be reading this) but one day, in a few years, I want to set my own schedule, choose my own projects and be my own boss. I know that is probably years down the road, but it is something to dream towards.

On a side note - Nugget broke his glasses in a bad way and is now sans glasses while we wait for a new pair. He looks SO DAMN WEIRD without them.

Let's get it on

2008-09-09T15:44:00.000-04:00

I'm ready to start seriously trying again to get pregnant. I haven't quite communicated this to my husband, but I'm sure he's up for the challenge. I'm going to the OB tomorrow to discuss some issues we've been having and see if we can work on getting this baby making business straightened out.

The idea of adding another child to our mix is equally exhilarating and terrifying. Things are pretty darn good with Me, Mike and Nugget and I'm not sure how having another baby will tip the balance. I've been assured by everyone I know with more than one child that things WILL be manageable, we WILL love the second child as much as Nugget, it WILL make us a happier family in the long run.

I have to be honest and say that I am very nervous about being pregnant and going through a C-Section again. I've had a lot of health problems in the last year or so, mostly relating to my heart and some odd phantom pain in my right side that no doctor can accurately diagnose. I lie awake at night worrying that getting pregnant again will stress my heart too much and I'll get really ill, or that I'll go into arrest during delivery, or something else unforeseen and probably not terribly likely to happen. I'll vow in the dead of night that I won't take that chance, I won't try this month.

But then my child will do something to remind me exactly why I want to have another baby in the first place: he'll run into our backyard after I've picked him up from school and play in a quiet, lonely way that reminds me that another child is not only a baby for Mommy, but a sibling and playmate for him. He needs a sibling; someone to share toys and insults with, someone to whisper under the covers at night when they should be sleeping. He needs more than just me and Mike.

Keep your fingers crossed.

Mommy needs a Valium

2008-09-08T13:55:00.000-04:00

Let me preface this post with the fact that I love my child, very very much. With that said, this past weekend was one of those instances where I wanted to run naked through the house screaming "Can we put him back in?" at the top of my lungs.

He whines. He screams. He wants to eat nothing but fruit snacks and watch the awesome insipidness of Mickey Mouse clubhouse and Sponge Bob. Oh, how I hate Cartoon network somedays.

In all fairness, he's sick. I know, I know this now puts my Mommy of the Year award points to -142, but there are few things less fun than staying stuck in the house for 2 days with a cranky, pukey 3 and half year old.

EXCEPT, I am still feeling rather craptasitc myself from the never-ending medical mystery and still winding down from the craziness of trial and such at work. So I'm really not doing much this weekend either. But at least I'm not whiny, snotty or pukey.

I was bad. I left Mike at home with the kid for a few hours on Saturday night while I went to celebrate with some girlfriends who were getting married and having a baby. Not the same person, and not in that order - for the record.

And it was bliss, let me tell ya. 6 lovely pomegranate martinis and chocolate fondue do wonders to erase the pounding headache that spending all day with a 35lb feverish demon child will give you. I almost felt bad. Almost.

And for the record Nugget is feeling better now, though you'd never know it to hear him whine. This morning was a rush to get him up for school, protesting all the way. He has no fever and he is no longer pukey and the rash has begun to fade. Sounds school worthy to me. But he in his oh-so-clever way, has figured out that by acting sick he gets to kind of do whatever he wants. Manipulative little bastard. I heard many choruses of "I'm sick" driving all the way to school, but once he figured out it is a special exercise day at school - all of a sudden, he is fine and dandy.

Godknows I love that child. I do. And I am sooo happy he is feeling better. There is no more helpless feeling in the world than watching my child as he lay, with his over-warm body pressed against my chest, breathing much too rapidly and knowing that all I can do is wait for this to run it's course. I bitch and moan about what a whiny jerk he is when he is sick, but at the same time am both grateful that it is nothing worse than a virus and amazed at the wondrous ability of the human body to heal itself. What a marvelous creature my son truly is.

At home

2008-09-02T18:42:00.000-04:00

I've spent the better part of the last 3 hours sitting on my screened porch in my back yard listening to the sounds of summer in a neighborhood. Having never grown up around neighbors, it always strikes me how loud and personal living in close quarters with others can be. The drone of the lawn mowers across several streets, hitting tree roots and rocks that ping with sharp force against the blades. The accompanying howl of the neighborhood dogs as a fire engine goes racing by the entrance to the subdivision. The sound of my child laughing as he climbs the fence between our house and his best friend's house, knowing that I've told him 10,000 times not to climb that fence.

These are the reasons that we live here. We have a wonderful house, in a great and desirable location. It is immensely liveable with cool shade trees, smooth grass and a house older than I am. Sitting on this porch I think of all the memories made in this yard, on this porch with all those who lived here before us. And I think of all the memories yet to come, the ones we haven't made yet and the ones I am making right now.

How sweet it is to be me.

My child is insane...

2008-08-14T22:23:00.000-04:00

This morning, like most mornings, we had a twee bit of a meltdown before getting Nugget out the door to school. I don't know what it is about mornings that gets that kid's dander up, but he is usually an absolute hellion before we leave for school/work. This morning was no exception.

He threw a fit because Mike had the temerity to ask him to please put on his glasses before heading downstairs for breakfast. Fit really isn't even the correct term. It was more like I am going to lie here thrashing in the floor, screaming and kicking the walls like you have just jabbed me with a hot rusty poker. After about 15 minutes of this, he was finally tricked into actually putting his glasses on and heading his happy little ass down the stairs.

Now I realize that being three and a half is a emotionally challenging age. But my God, this has been going on since he was 18 months old. Surely it has to end soon?!?

And to top if off nicely, when I picked him up from school this evening, he was an absolute angel. He gave me no fuss in a store running and errand, and even helped me take out the recycling once we were home. It's like Dr. Nugget, Mr. Damien. I don't know what to do.

At least I take comfort that most other parents have gone through this with their children and they've all managed to survive. A few brain cells may go missing from banging my head against a wall, but I think I will survive.

My brother is getting married - YEA!

2008-08-13T20:05:00.000-04:00

It's in May when I hope to be 9 months pregnant - Not so YEA.

So I've been asked to be a bridesmaid for like the 19th time. Not quite up there with Izzie whatsherface from Grey's Anatomy but still. It's my only brother's wedding, though. How could I say no?

However, we are trying again (in much seriousness) to conceive Nugget a little brother or sister. If I actually manage to get pregnant and stay pregnant this time, my due date would be 4 days after the wedding. Not good.

So, I'm torn between not even trying this month (according to my lovely clearview monitor I have 2-3 days to decide) or just saying fuck it and what will be will be. Of course Mike's contribution to all this drama is that it affords plenty of time for practice. He's such a man...

First blog post, evarrrr.

2008-08-13T15:13:00.000-04:00

I'm not really even sure how to begin a blog. I guess one just sits down, decides what to say and types it out onto the page. Here goes.

I'm Mandy. I'm 28 years old, soon turning 29. I live in a wonderful city in Upstate SC. Not to be confused with Upstate NY which according to my old southern family is somewhere on the road to hell. I'm a mother of a 3 and a half year old boy who we lovingly call Chicken Nugget or just Nugget for short. His real name is Reeve, but most everyone calls him Nugget. It fits him like a glove and has since he was an in-womb parasite. He is the most awesome child I've ever known. I know all parents have to think that, but in my case it is true.

I've got a day job in the legal IT industry which is fun and exciting and all those other adjectives used in job ads and resume sites. It keeps me alternatively busy and bored out of my bloody skull depending on the day, the case and the absolute fucking insanity of the lawyers I'm working around. Oh yeah, I like to cuss a lot. Like a sailor. It's just who I am.

I've got a pretty awesome husband, Mike, who is very tolerant of my insane career, insane family and my 3:00 am cravings for beer and Spagettios. He's an amazing father which more than makes up for the fact that he leaves food lying in the sink for days or never seems to care that he likes the house exactly 10 degrees below I'm freezing my damn nipples off, thank you very much.

So I guess this is it for my first blog post. Given that no one on the planet will probably ever ready this, I think I'm in for rave reviews...