Scared

This is not going to be the prettiest post on the planet, but I'm not in a pretty place right now.

Yesterday was so awesome. I've been feeling for the past few days like perhaps we may be pregnant this cycle so I decided to take a test yesterday morning. And sure enough, there was a very faint pink line telling me I am pregnant. Since it was so faint, I was trying hard not to get too worked up. I decided to try another test later that morning and so I rushed over to the pharmacy and bought one of those fancy digital tests. Let me tell you how fun it is to take a pregnancy test in the bathroom at work... notsomuch. Low and behold, the read out on this one was a clear "Pregnant" and I was at that point so excited I couldn't stop myself from taking a picture and texting it to 10 -50 of my closest friends. Nearly everyone I know has some idea of our attempts to get pregnant and I know that they were as excited to see that picture as I was to send.

Fast forward to this morning. I wake up after not feeling well (tired and mildly crampy) to find that I'm spotting just a tiny bit. I immediately decide to take every test I have in the house so I take 4 tests all at once. And guess what? I get 2 POSITIVE and 2 NEGATIVE. From the same cup of pee!!! So by now I'm freaking out EVEN more. The 2 that were positive are the 'older' analog tests where a line or + sign appears when you are pregnant. There is clearly a line and a + sign on each of those tests. The 2 negative tests are both digital and there is no line, oh hell no, it's a big fat NOT PREGNANT screaming in my face and fanning the waves of hatred that I have for my reproductive organs. And I continue to mildly cramp and spot.

At this point, I don't know what the fuck to think and I am so scared, angry, numb and distraught all at the same time. I'm sitting here in my chair at work wishing that I was laying in bed with the covers over my head. I feel like I'm going to throw up and I can't even be sure that has anything to do with hormone levels.

Stupid me, decided to tell people yesterday and now I am facing the prospect of having to tell them all that I am not pregnant. It's not like I'm crazy - I have 4 fucking tests that say the same thing. But those other 2... and this spotting.

I just don't know. All I know is that I can't think about anything other than the fact that I'm afraid this baby is slowly exiting my body and leaving me alone to face the grief. Again.

Quick Notes

I have zero motivation at the moment to do much of anything. This includes work, my moms group, my friends, housework (although to be fair I think housework = evil and avoid it at all costs) or pretty much anything else. The problem is that I NEED to be motivated, especially at work. We've been hit pretty hard with slowdown and the inevitable layoffs have already begun to occur. since I'm still the primary breadwinner I don't have the luxury of fucking this up. I think a lot of the blame for this can been moved squarely to my now 6 months of caffeine-free living. G-D I miss caffeine.

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There's an article on CNN.com today about people having Obama signs stolen out of their yards. Well no shit, sugar. I coulda told you that months ago when our first one was stolen right out of our front yard. Some people have no fucking class. I mostly call them republicans (though to be fair they'd probably say the same about me.)

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This morning when I dropped him off at preschool, Nugget took the opportunity to show me what a wonderful writer he is by drawing a huge GO on the chalkboard. I immediately had to quell the urge to teach him to spell COCKS right behind it. I can just imagine him coming home from school with all his worksheets proudly proclaiming COCK or COCKS in red Crayola.

Happy times!

My friend Beckie had her baby this morning. He's an adorable ball of face, cheesy joints and pointy head. Looking at him makes my ovaries hurt. And not in the way they've been hurting over the last few months. :)

If we don't conceive this month, I think I'm going to step back a bit and take a break. It gets to be exhausting trying to track all the fertility signs, timing and dealing with the inevitable letdown when we don't succeed. I'm getting to the point where I can't remember why I want to have another baby so badly in the first place.

We spent the weekend on Edisto Island and it was simultaneously good times and bad times. It was wonderful to get away from the hectic life up here and just relax for a few days. My parents, brother and his fiancee' were with us and they had never been to the island before. If you've never had the chance to see the sea islands off the coast of SC you don't know what you are missing. Not all beaches in SC are like Myrtle, scout's honor.

But spending time with my family, especially for any extended amount of time, reminds me of how different I've become from the rest of them.

A few examples:

• They like to watch the history channel and Lifetime. I like to watch Sci-fi or maybe read a book instead.
• They like driving around for hours whereas I have a 3.5 year old and don't ever wish to spend one second more in the car than I have to.
• They think McCain and Palin actually make sense for this country and I think Obama and Biden are the second coming of JFK and FDR.
  

One thing I did learn from this trip. I cannot ever, ever discuss politics or morals or religion with my family. It's better for us all if we just don't discuss those types of things. My dad and I are pretty alike in our way of thinking and mannerisms but he and I couldn't be more different in our social leanings. This is hard for me, I'm the kind of person who wants people to agree with me and it pisses me off that I can't convert his line of thinking. I just have to accept that I may never make him agree with me, but I can still love him even if I think his love of Palin is batshit crazy.

All in all we managed to have a happy weekend away and it's turning out to be a good week. I'm patching things up with my friends, my husband and myself. I probably just jinxed myself and the world will end tomorrow but at least I've got a few good days out of it so far...

Brooding

I've been in one of my moods for the last few days. It usually starts with something completely innocuous and before I know it I'm in full-on brood territory. Today is no exception. I'm looking for answers to several questions and unfortunately these are answers no one can provide.

I'm questioning a lot of my friendships at the moment. In high school it was easy to know who my friends were. They were the people who would sit next to me at lunch, give me copies of notes from classes I missed, and help me figure out how to talk to a boy I was crushing on hardcore. Once I left my small town for college, our friendships ended and we drifted apart and it was no big deal. In college my friends were my roommates, sorority sisters, and people in my classes. For the vast majority of these people, once college was over and "real life" began, we went our separate ways. I've still got a few of these people that are very dear to me and we keep in close contact, but for the most part my college friendships ended with graduation.

But what about adult friendships? What are the rules of being friends when you are an adult? Since I've been working at the same law firm for the last 6 years I've made pretty good friends with several people I work with. There are a very few though, that I think the friendship would continue were I to leave the firm. These are people who I have lunch with on occasion and we talk on the phone every couple of weeks. These are not the people who I think I could call on in an emergency or if I needed advice about a serious life issue. There is one person who qualifies for that role, but even we have drifted apart in recent months. I assume this is part of the natural state of adult friendships. I don't know. What happens when an adult friendship ends?

I know this: I'm lucky to have the friends I have, I'm lucky to have a husband who loves me and wonderful family. Friends will come and go, but my family will always be a part of my life.

Random Thoughts

Nugget was lying on our bed the other day talking about the baby in Miss Beckie's belly. He was asking a ton of questions about babies, how they are born, etc.. After going through a long explanation about how he once was a baby in Mommy's belly he asked how he got out. Uh. "The doctor cut a line in Mommy's belly and pulled you out" was the only reply I could think of that would make sense to a 3.5 year old. He leaned over me with a very serious look on his face and said "With a pizza cutter?"

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My job is forcing me to move offices this weekend. I've been at the firm for 6 years and during that time I've occupied 7 spaces in 2 cities. I have no issue moving, it's just the drama that surrounds the move. I'm a pack rat, and I've got tons of shit in my office. Being the only IT person in this office I've accumulated a lot of junk. I know I should throw most of it out, or recycle it, but I'm just too lazy. Luckily, I've got movers coming to move me so I guess I'll sort it all out while they are here. I get a kick out of ordering around sweaty men in uniform.

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Beck has still not had her baby. We've attempted to smoke him out with Don Pablo's goodness and still no baby boy. After all the trouble this boy has given his mother he better be on the short list for beatification.

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I'm really sick of Sarah Palin. I'd like to send her a big piece of shut-the-fuck-up with a side of you're-a-bimbo-and-he-only-picked-you-because-you-have-a-vagina.

Have a great weekend!

Hurting and Happy - Value sized

I'm hurting again. It's a damn nagging pain that I can't seem to escape and the doctors can't seem to explain. It's getting to the point that I'm being sapped of my will to get out of bed in the mornings and that is NOT a good thing. I'm practically immune to that alarm clock as it is. I'm headed back to the doctor on Wednesday. Keep your fingers crossed that they actually figure out what the hell is wrong with me. If not, I'm calling Dr House.

I'm worried about my friend Patti who is dealing with uterine cancer and I think this coloring my views on health and healthcare in general. I am getting very tired of the runaround of insurance claims, pre-approvals, appointments that take hours upon hours and never understanding what my insurance has paid and why. Patti has no insurance, and is dealing with trying to treat cancer. Can you imagine what her bills will be like? I guess there is no price on keeping oneself alive, but this is yet another example of why we need better fucking healthcare in this country.

One of my best friends had her second child today. I am simultaneously happy for her and selfishly bitchy for me. Let's go with happy for her at the moment. Welcome to the world Logan Alexander Baun! Happy Birthday.

Scorecard on preggo friends: 2 delivered beautiful, healthy babies
1 due any day now (Keeping my fingers crossed Beck)
1 due on Thanksgiving
1 due in March

... and me - Miss Impregnable 2008!