Scared

This is not going to be the prettiest post on the planet, but I'm not in a pretty place right now.

Yesterday was so awesome. I've been feeling for the past few days like perhaps we may be pregnant this cycle so I decided to take a test yesterday morning. And sure enough, there was a very faint pink line telling me I am pregnant. Since it was so faint, I was trying hard not to get too worked up. I decided to try another test later that morning and so I rushed over to the pharmacy and bought one of those fancy digital tests. Let me tell you how fun it is to take a pregnancy test in the bathroom at work... notsomuch. Low and behold, the read out on this one was a clear "Pregnant" and I was at that point so excited I couldn't stop myself from taking a picture and texting it to 10 -50 of my closest friends. Nearly everyone I know has some idea of our attempts to get pregnant and I know that they were as excited to see that picture as I was to send.

Fast forward to this morning. I wake up after not feeling well (tired and mildly crampy) to find that I'm spotting just a tiny bit. I immediately decide to take every test I have in the house so I take 4 tests all at once. And guess what? I get 2 POSITIVE and 2 NEGATIVE. From the same cup of pee!!! So by now I'm freaking out EVEN more. The 2 that were positive are the 'older' analog tests where a line or + sign appears when you are pregnant. There is clearly a line and a + sign on each of those tests. The 2 negative tests are both digital and there is no line, oh hell no, it's a big fat NOT PREGNANT screaming in my face and fanning the waves of hatred that I have for my reproductive organs. And I continue to mildly cramp and spot.

At this point, I don't know what the fuck to think and I am so scared, angry, numb and distraught all at the same time. I'm sitting here in my chair at work wishing that I was laying in bed with the covers over my head. I feel like I'm going to throw up and I can't even be sure that has anything to do with hormone levels.

Stupid me, decided to tell people yesterday and now I am facing the prospect of having to tell them all that I am not pregnant. It's not like I'm crazy - I have 4 fucking tests that say the same thing. But those other 2... and this spotting.

I just don't know. All I know is that I can't think about anything other than the fact that I'm afraid this baby is slowly exiting my body and leaving me alone to face the grief. Again.