Sometimes I can't even stand to be around myself.

I'm very moody right now, emotional to the point of unreasonable, and I know that not all this angst can be blamed on the pregnancy. To be fair, a good deal is hormones in overdrive but there is something else that is driving me to be such a bitch.

Two of my close friends have had babies in the last month. I am so excited for them and yet not for some stupid ass reason. I'm pretty sure I've got a bad case of that green-eyed monster. They're all caught up in the awesomeness/shittiness that is parenting a newborn: the sleepless nights, nursing on demand, and snuggling a little person on your chest in the wee hours of the morning. I think I'm feeling left out, stupid as that sounds. Let's face it - who really has time to care about my early pregnancy woes when you are knee deep in spitup and newborn poo? No one and I completely understand that.

We had hoped to already have another baby by this point in our lives. Now that I'm pregnant I'm feeling distanced from damn near everyone and everything. Even Reeve, which totally qualifies me for mother of the year, I know. It is NOT his fault, and its nothing that my friends or family have done to cause this asinine feeling of mine. I think in a lot of ways, I'm still waiting on the other shoe to drop, for something to happen to this pregnancy. It's hard to be happy and normal when I'm so scared that today will be the day this will all end...

Ok, enough with the depressing shit. I promise that bitchy chick is gone for the remainder of this post.

***

In other news, Sarah Palin actually thinks she can run for president in 2012! Does that not make you want to laugh your ass off? You think she'll have found the country of Africa on a map by then??? MWAH! Please Sarah, on behalf of all Democrats in the US, I BEG you to run in 2012...

And what is up with all the bashing of birth control all over the internet? As if the Pill hasn't been around for decades? Guess what? It prevented a fertilized embryo from implanting in the 1960's and not much has changed since then. Why oh why do a bunch of mostly white men in our nation's capital think that it is any of their concern what happens to my eggs every month? For that matter, why do they care who I sleep with, what gender they are, what position we use (look it up - in SC it is illegal to use anything other than missionary) and what happens during my menstrual cycle??? Just stop for a moment, leave YOUR god out of this, and ask yourself this question: If men could get pregnant would we still be having all this fuss about abortion? That's what I thought...

Random Thoughts - Nov 6th

I'm so glad the election is over. Yesterday was a great day to be an American. I can't wait to see how President-elect Obama is going to bring this country back to a place we can all be proud to be citizens.

***

I'm still pregnant and still obsessing over every twinge and pain in my body. I think that might end about 9 months from now after I've had the kid... Still keeping everything crossable on my body, crossed.

***

I've been playing Kingdom Hearts on our PS3 lately and I've come to the conclusion that the people who thought up this game had to be on drugs. Watching Sora, Donald and Goofy beat up on Disney villains in an RPG is just weird. Fun as hell, but weird nonetheless.

***

Yesterday I gave a speech to a group of non-techies about managing electronic documents in the 21st century legal landscape and I think it went pretty well. I had a few newbie questions and was reminded that not everyone on the planet thinks MD5 hash values for documents when the word "hash" is used...

Also, damn I have a cute kid

Reeve is obsessed with WALL-E and so of course he had to be WALL-E for Halloween. Well, you can't find a WALL-E costume anywhere for under $100 so I decided to get brave and make one. It turned out awesome, imho, but I will NEVER, EVER, EVER attempt to make a costume again.

Either way, he gets the cutest robot kid with glasses award.

Watch out for the crazy pregnant lady, son

I'm really nervous right now. As far as it stands, I AM PREGNANT!!!!! My beta HCG test came back with good results on Friday. It only had to double, but it in fact tripled so I was very happy to hear that. I've got to go in 2 weeks for an ultrasound to make sure that everything is developing properly and in the correct place. This 2 week wait is going to kill me, or at least make me even more insane than I already am. I'm having to resist the urge to POAS every time I go to the restroom. Thankfully there are no more in the house and Mike refuses to let me buy more. I am obsessing about things that I have absolutely no control over, and those who know me best know that when I obsess I do it in a BIG way.

Every little twinge and cramp I feel makes me immediately think that I am having a miscarriage. Every time my ovaries hurt (which is a normal occurrence) I begin preparing myself for the fact that this pregnancy may be ectopic or something equally heinous. I go to the bathroom every few hours and anxiously peer into the bowl to make sure there is no blood or even the lightest stain on the paper.

I hate being so anxious about everything. I wish so much that I could be happy and excitedly pregnant, like I was with Nugget. When we found out we were pregnant with him, at no point did I ever stop and thing that anything might go wrong. I just assumed the pregnancy would be fine and he would be perfect. Which, it was and he is.. for the record.

The last year of reading books about fertility has left me so informed I'm over-informed. I know WAY more about how more than 1 in 5 pregnancies end in the first 12 weeks, and the symptoms of every fertility malady known to mankind. I HATE the internet because I have instant access at my fingertips to tens of thousands of web pages, articles and personal stories about "when pregnant went wrong..." One of my best friends is a walking cautionary tale on high risk pregnancies.

I just want to be a "normal" pregnant chick. I want to be happy, excited and KNOW that everything is going to be alright. I don't know what is wrong with me and why I can't feel that way again. Maybe it is all the worrying that comes with being a mom, all rolled up with my own obsessive tendencies. Either way, its going to be an interesting couple of weeks. I'll keep you posted.

Scared

This is not going to be the prettiest post on the planet, but I'm not in a pretty place right now.

Yesterday was so awesome. I've been feeling for the past few days like perhaps we may be pregnant this cycle so I decided to take a test yesterday morning. And sure enough, there was a very faint pink line telling me I am pregnant. Since it was so faint, I was trying hard not to get too worked up. I decided to try another test later that morning and so I rushed over to the pharmacy and bought one of those fancy digital tests. Let me tell you how fun it is to take a pregnancy test in the bathroom at work... notsomuch. Low and behold, the read out on this one was a clear "Pregnant" and I was at that point so excited I couldn't stop myself from taking a picture and texting it to 10 -50 of my closest friends. Nearly everyone I know has some idea of our attempts to get pregnant and I know that they were as excited to see that picture as I was to send.

Fast forward to this morning. I wake up after not feeling well (tired and mildly crampy) to find that I'm spotting just a tiny bit. I immediately decide to take every test I have in the house so I take 4 tests all at once. And guess what? I get 2 POSITIVE and 2 NEGATIVE. From the same cup of pee!!! So by now I'm freaking out EVEN more. The 2 that were positive are the 'older' analog tests where a line or + sign appears when you are pregnant. There is clearly a line and a + sign on each of those tests. The 2 negative tests are both digital and there is no line, oh hell no, it's a big fat NOT PREGNANT screaming in my face and fanning the waves of hatred that I have for my reproductive organs. And I continue to mildly cramp and spot.

At this point, I don't know what the fuck to think and I am so scared, angry, numb and distraught all at the same time. I'm sitting here in my chair at work wishing that I was laying in bed with the covers over my head. I feel like I'm going to throw up and I can't even be sure that has anything to do with hormone levels.

Stupid me, decided to tell people yesterday and now I am facing the prospect of having to tell them all that I am not pregnant. It's not like I'm crazy - I have 4 fucking tests that say the same thing. But those other 2... and this spotting.

I just don't know. All I know is that I can't think about anything other than the fact that I'm afraid this baby is slowly exiting my body and leaving me alone to face the grief. Again.